Fifty Shades: my thoughts

This post is waaaaay overdue. Probably 3 months. -1/2/2013

My interest in this topic was reignited today when some person I follow mentioned the books (I can tell he likes it, a lot) and my twin termed it 'sophisticated porn'.

I hardly think so.

Despite the fact that I dislike the Twilight saga so much, it did manage to effectively pull me in and cause me to be madly addicted to the series for some time. I basically devoured Breaking Dawn in two sittings. Because of all that haze and craze in my head, I didn't realise how ridiculously sexist the book was and also how Bella brings shame to feminists like me.
(The movies are reeaally shitty though. The first was bad enough, I stopped watching after that. We have the DVDs but I've never been able to bring myself to watch them. Just look at the bloody way KS delivers her lines, wtf .)

However, I can safely say even Bella is a more polished version of the simply useless Anastasia Steele in the Fifty Shades Trilogy. This is incredibly ironic because for starters, the short story written by E. L. James that served to form
50 Shades is based on Twilight itself. (and we thought Bella was bad enough.)

Let me begin with the tense used in Fifty Shades. First person present tense. I don't have the book with me now (I never plan to touch it again, actually) so I'll just lift off an example from a forum.
I'm walking through a door and the leaf of the potted plant brushes against my hand. A chill runs up my spine as I look around slowly, only to see no one around.
It's not that I have a big issue with first- person present tense. I do admit I had never seen it before Fifty Shades, because the typical first or third past tense is more commonly accepted by the masses and/or preferred by authors. The problem here is, ELJ doesn't do it well.

Most of the conflict in Fifty Shades is internal, i.e. there is only one place that it occurs, inside Ana herself. I find it intolerable that she is oh, Christian, yes, Christian all the way. Yes, Christian! I can't do without you! Fuck me now!

Christian is another irritant. Stop acting mysterious and dark, you stupid man. ELJ should really have expanded on his section (where we see his point of view instead of Ana's) in Fifty Shades Freed because it had so much potential to be something extremely funny. I laughed out loud in those short pages depicting his point of view during the first interview with Ana. I only read that part because my friend was obsessed with it at that time and I found his pov quite a nice tidbit.

I wiped out the entire Twilight saga in less than a month. Two weeks, maybe. I stopped reading Fifty Shades in about 40 pages into the beginning, at the introduction of the Red Room or something. I was pretty much grossed out; not by the room or the objects, but by the characters!
Even if it does not say much about the quality of the book, it does say something about my opinions on them. Twitter tells me the word sex is repeated roughly 275 times in the entire series or the first book. I forgot. The thesaurus exists for a reason. Desensitisation will occur if you use that particular word so excessively, for goodness sake.

It might be ironic that I, a reader particularly obsessed with trashy novels loaded with sexualised/erotic content, am actually criticising this book like this considering it theoretically fits all my criteria for me to define it as something I would simply love to read. However, I like to think (everything is relative, so our opinions might differ) I actually read quality trashy (is that an oxymoron?) novels. That is defined by at least a decent story (the definitions are very broad and differ from person to person, but it should at least have a plot, and Fifty Shades seems to even lack this), decent characterisation and a special one: decently written sex scenes for me.

Now let's be honest here: I don't get aroused - not even mildly - when I read this book they term as 'mummy porn'. Christian Grey's not even special either. 99% of the romance novels have an incredibly hot guy waaaaay out of the average girl's league. Others have those with mysterious dark past and shit. Just name me one romance book - any - that doesn't have one of those qualities I mentioned up there.

Let's not even bother going into Anastasia Steele. (Pun intended; hahahahaha wts)

Deeeeeemon From The Dark!!

Another fruitful trip to the library has me completing The Bedroom Business on my Nook and also catching Demon From The Dark from the COL bookshelf.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

As I sat down, trying to concentrate on my Nook, I couldn't resist the urge anymore and simply had to open DFTD. I had to know!!! Just a random page, and yet, it totally caught me. Malkom Slaine sounds so damn hot even with that beard and long hair everywhere, before shaving (and lots of naughty fun that comes with it.) And damn, I sure am officially hooked on this book.

Lately, I went on deviantart to find drawings of my beloved characters in Immortals After Dark. Ohhhhh, damn, I never knew there were sooooo many wonderful artists just waiting to be discovered. Oh, yes!! Let me indulge myself in the world of hunks!!! Some artists are simply fantastic. Even I am drooling all over myself as I stare at the individual interpretations of the characters.

I've been reading it everywhere. Like today, I missed the train stops I was supposed to get off twice because I couldn't stop reading (and Wreck-it Ralph's Sugar Rush was blasting in my ear). Happy sigh. The sexual scenes are done so well. Another happy sigh.

I'm addicted to Malkom. :b

[Book Review] The Bedroom Business (Harlequin Presents, Passion #2159) by Sandra Marton

Song of the week:

My Love Grows In The Dark by SSION

"The song was written about a sex club - everything is completely dark, you have to feel your way around. No one really sees me in the video, and if they do they're indifferent. I walk through this house where everyone is completely self-obsessed."

- Cody Critcheloe [SSION]

The video might be pretty ridiculous at first look, but if you relate it to his quote, it actually makes sense. Then again, you can always continue scrolling down and start perusing my book review while listening to it... Hahahaha

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I hadn't exactly grasped the essential idea of what the Harlequin logo entailed when I bought this book. (Hey, I was twelve.) Many great benefits come along in reading when you're (slightly) older and have a well, less innocent mind. I like to imagine the characters' appearance and play the events like a movie in my head as I read. You can call it fantasizing. Anyway, it's especially rewarding when you get to the fun parts of a book, such as, copulation.

Alright, enough nonsense from me...

[Synopsis]

Jacob "Jake" McBride is a self-made millionaire, brilliant at business, talented in bed -- and cynical about women. Emily Taylor is his personal assistant, terrific in the office...and a complete innocent when it comes to the opposite sex!

But when Jake teaches Emily how to transform herself from shy secretary into sexy siren, he loses his grip on his legendary cool. If she's going to lose her virginity, it has to be to him!

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Some minor notes!

Good evening, world! :D

1. Currently considering changing the background to that of Luigi's face, so i'm having a war with myself (whether to put or not.) I probably won't -- I'll leave that for my personal blog. Would seeing Luigi's face on the background be weird while reading a book review about a corny romance novel? (I have no idea.)

2. Introduced the wonderful invention known as jump-breaks into this equally wonderful blog. Now I can stuff 20 posts in a single page without making it ridiculously long (yes, I set it to twenty. Enjoy.) Just in case you're stupid or anything, click 'read more' to read more. Yeah.

3. Completing the book review of the Harlequin, The Bedroom Business, soooooon! Be preeeepared. :D

4. Here's a video for you to brighten your day: Charles Martinet, the voice of Mario, Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, Baby Luigi, etc. You know. I laughed myself silly, here's hoping it'll make you smile too. Mamma mia! :b

Guava and Stephen Hawking!!!

Again, I was at the library today returning stacks of romance books previously borrowed and unfortunately never read (thanks to the fact that I am largely monogamous to a book when writing a review on it). For some reason, I decided I was bored with romance books for a while, and suddenly whoosh had a sudden interest in the Solar System. I ended up finding a bunch of books on Pluto, Uranus and stuff under the category Juvenile Literature.

You know, that type with thirty words on one page and a picture on the next page.

Anyway, I decided staring at those books just wouldn't cut it for me and therefore I sped to the nearest computer in hopes of locating a physical encyclopedia that included all the information about the universe that could possibly be held in a single book. Yeah. Most of the located books came from 1970++ that is already older than my parents, which is simply ridiculous.

Therefore I stalked around the library and I found the section Astrology! Yaaaaaaay!

I flipped open the first ridiculously thick book about Pluto and barely understood 75% of what the poor author was blubbering about. But really, I'm sure it beats reading juvenile literature. And lo and behold, at that very moment, Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time popped into my head. It was like, ah, eureka moment.

[Book Review] Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night (Immortals AfterDark, #4) by Kresley Cole

This entire post is lifted off what I wrote on my gay notebook during the trip to and back from HK during 3-8 December 2012, with many minor revisions and rearrangements. Hohoho~

I swear my lighter blue pen hates me. I place it somewhere, and two minutes later when I need it, it's gone! I write this on the plane with darker coloured blue pen as I think I've permanently lost it.  Better buy a new one when I get back.

This plane ride has me sitting smack between two teachers, and to top that off, our seats are the ones between the two aisles. That effectively means there is no way I can obtain a view of the outside world because I'm the furthest as can be from the window (do the math.) They're watching their movies as I studiously write this. Ironically, it isn't as bad as I thought (at least I'm not sitting next to the other two monster teachers). It actually gives me the peace I require to write.

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Song of the week:

Cristal Del Cielo (Crystal Blue Persuasion) by Tito Puente

I originally had a list of other songs I planned to use, but something caused me to change my mind. This. I'm on the plane now writing this as I listen to Tito Puente. Here's betting the record is older than my parents.

I was sifting through music I could listen to while writing my book review when I ended up in the Jazz section where I found this gem -- the Greatest Hits of Tito Puente. It caught my eye (or ear) because the very first song on the album was Oye Como Va <youtube> (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories, Radio Espantoso. Hahahaha) That was the only radio station in the game I listened to while riding my ultra cool sport cars down the road.

Anyway, I debated for a long time which song to choose from to feature here. I decided on Cristal because it's just pure pleasure to listen to... My addiction to wonderful music like this is the reason why my parents always tell me I was born in the wrong era. But maybe I am. :D

So giving you such a sweet and enchanting record before my scathing book review -- you have been warned -- might not be such a fantastic idea, but nevertheless, please enjoy. It's not everyday that good music like this passes your ears. For me, I haven't been this lucky in a while.

Guava's Going Overseas!

I don't even know how to start off this post because the title is already so blatantly direct.

I'm lying on the bed as I type this. I just started packing my luggage today. And thank the lords I finished packing, because I'm flying off tomorrow. Wahaha i'm not the Mistress of Procrastination for nothing.

credits to evil-laugh on deviantart. :D

Guava's mummy was driven half-mad by her daughter's inefficiency in packing her own luggage. Anyway, she recommended bringing a book overseas to ease Guava's boredom. I decided against the idea of bringing my Nook because I am immensely afraid that I might lose my beautiful baby to the terrifying streets of HK.

Therefore what I did was sweep my sparkly pair of eyes across my humongous bunch of books situated at my bookshelf in the hopes something would catch my eye(s). Lol. And lo and behold, something did.

Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night.

Mister Nook and Miss Cover: A Story

Hello, everybody! I have a story to tell you today.

This is Mister Nook!

He is forever alone. He's been forever alone for a while. And I've always felt guilty seeing him so lonely, so, I got him a girlfriend.... from eBay. (Well, like it or not, he doesn't have much of a choice anyway. But I'm sure he's pretty happy.) 

[Book Review] The Sheikh's Virgin Bride (Sheikh's Arabian Nights, #1)by Penny Jordan

Song of the week:

Give Me Your Heart by Backstreet Boys.

Girl give me your love,

I'll give you my heart

Let's put them together see what we can start

I wanna be with you,

You wanna be with me

I wanna be with you...

I had this song on repeat 24/7 for at least 5 days. I was crazy over it. I can finally see the power of BSB now... hahaha. I have such a soft spot for songs with synthesisers <3

Warning: Harlequin novel ahead. Read review at own risk.

Guava and books.

So yesterday, I received an automated message from the National Library Board to return my books by 21/11/12 or face fines. (Yes, I signed up for it because I knew I'd forget to return my books, and lo and behold, I did!)

The books in concern are those that I borrowed six weeks ago -- yes, I renewed all three at the end of the three-week deadline, because I realised I had only touched one book, which is, surprise surprise, Dreams of a Dark Warrior! (the only one that has sexual content.)  - see post

not much I can say now, right?

Man of The Week: Marlon Brando

Man of The Week: 3/11/12 - 10/11/12,

MARLON BRANDO

DIMPLES!!! AHHHH!! DIMPLES!!! 

What exactly is up with those men in the Golden Age of Hollywood? (I don't know either.) They ooze sexual assurance, energy, charisma, and for Marlon Brando, 'raw animal magnetism'. The essence of true masculinity. Yum, yum! (Though I can barely hear what he is muttering about when I watch his movies, but really, whatever.) His smile is mesmerising. His body was... so fine. Those intense eyes that can almost look right through you, and that aura of a true man. And THAT JAWLINE!! In how many actors can you find such a beautifully defined one now? Dayum!

Getting a Nook Simple Touch: Part 2!!

The continuation of my adventures from Part 1 is finally here!!

Based on the fact that I was unable to get my dear Nook Simple Touch locally, I had to use a third-party shipping service (I decided on Comgateway). 

Excited Me then proceeds to buy the Nook Simple Touch -- yes, without Glowlight, because I am stingy -- and a cable. (Lol, this feels anticlimactic). It costs a bomb.

Guava's Twitter Account. @SEXYGUAVA

WELCOME TO MY POST!!

MUHAHAHAHA

Okay, I just wanted to appear with a bang. ><

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SO, I GOT A TWITTER ACCOUNT!!! :DDD 

I love it. I love my account. I love twitter. Whatever. 

chirp chirp, i am a happy bird.

Of course, my twitter account was based off this blog's name (The Guava, thanks to my friend who proclaimed herself The Potato and demanded I follow in her footsteps by naming myself after some ridiculous fruit) 

Evidently, the name caught on and i've ended up actually loving my eccentric nickname :b 

ALL HAIL THE GUAVA. 

Anyway, back to my point.....

You can always add me if you like :)

https://twitter.com/SEXYGUAVA

Man of The Week: JGL!!!

I just had to do this because my infatuation for him, or probably men in general, is just overwhelming. I'll be regularly updating this list of whoever (sorry, males only :b) catches my eye every week from today onwards.

(Aaaaand I have affectionately termed it Man of The Week)


Man of The Week: 20/10/12 - 27/10/12, - clickable link.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

I don't know how a blog supposedly dedicated to writing book reviews has ended up like this either. I'm sorry. :')

But, I mean... just look at him. :b

My newfound love (again.)

In my pathetic desperation to look for something to do while being trapped in the predicament of being forever alone on my journey home, I ended up at the library. (I am a sad, sad girl.)

After I had finished reading the very cringeworthy ebook that goes by the name of The Sheikh's Virgin Bride* on my black, brilliant and beautiful Nook (alliteration intended), I decided I seriously needed a break from the Harlequin potboilers. And so my search began, for the book that would quench my thirst of I-don't-know-what, and become the oasis of my desert!! (what in the world is happening to me.)

*be prepared for the bashing of this book on this blog.

And I couldn't... I just couldn't... Keep myself away from the bloody COL section of the library under fiction while wandering again....
And...

....

[Book Review] Doing It Right by MaryJanice Davidson

Song of the week:

Zoom by Fat Larry's Band.

Very simple but beautiful song. (definitely more beautiful than the book. Lol)
It fits the feeling I got when I was reading the first half of this book, coincidentally (as from Jared's point of view on how he sees the love of his life.) The melody is magnificent, and the synthesiser sound is very, very lovely. The beauty of songs in the 1980s simply cannot be matched....

Zoom, just one look and then my heart went boom
Suddenly and we were on the moon 
Flying high in the neon sky, oh
.....
Smack, just one kiss and I was outta whack 
All at once there was no turnin' back
Oh so far above the brightest star, oh...

You could play it and enjoy the music while reading the review!! Ha ha ha :D

~

Soooo, I was loitering around the COL section stealthily like a fool as usual when BAM! This book from the opposite shelf caught my eye (Literally. It was bright pink.) Apparently, this book is my first step to freedom from addiction to paranormal romance! (Not really, i'm just lying to myself.)
Anyway, I decided to try this, since the amount of historical and paranormal romances I've read far outnumbers the contemporary ones. Also, an attempt to curb my obsession with Immortals After Dark. (hee, hee)

I AM BACK.

Finally. MY GOSHH. :DDDD

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!!

Need I say more? This marks my return to civilisation, writing book reviews, and maybe watching GAME OF THRONES. Ahahaha.
I popped into the library today to look for the Kresley Cole book I barely touched (well, if you consider looking through 2 pages of a 300-page book as 'touched') to commemorate my end of exams for the year. (Y) I ended up with three books instead.

- Flood by Stephen Baxter (his books are just... wow.)
- Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (long story, but it has something to do with Things Fall Apart, the book I study for English Literature.)
- Dreams of a Dark Warrior by Kresley Cole (well, duh!!)

I think I'll revamp the theme and stuff of the blog too. The colours are a bore. :D And I guess I'll finally get to write the review on Doing It Right by Maryjanice Davison, though I never did complete the book and I don't feel interested enough to pick it up again... And I'll watch TV. OH TV, MY LOVE.
So much to do, so little time.... :D

Getting a Nook Simple Touch: Part 1!!

It was a dark night filled with stars that illuminated the beautiful sky. I smiled as I decided to get a new e-book to read for a while... I then bought the book online, a harlequin cliché romance, with a cliché title too, and spent the rest of the night reading it on the bed on my e-book device. Aaaaaand I lived happily ever after.

....


Well, not really. This is a hypothetical situation i.e. what would have happened if I could get the e-book itself. Brace yourself for the truth, people!! Brace yourself!!

MY E-BOOK DEVICE'S EXISTENCE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY ERADICATED FROM THE WORLD OF E-BOOKS!!
Adobe Digital Editions doesn't recognise my dear, dear iRiver Story anymore, as evidenced from this:

[Book Review] Dark Needs At Night's Edge (Immortals After Dark, #5) by Kresley Cole

Sooooo, here we go again, another one of Kresley Cole's books. My infatuation for this series has barely seemed to fade at all ever since I fell in love with it yet again after re-reading Kiss of A Demon King (the first one that caught my eye). And this book has again proven why I love the series so much....

Yes, yes, again we have stereotypes of the hero so handsome it hurts. I can't say the same for the females, considering other books where some girls are described as plain and dull (though they get the guy, anyway). But this is reality -- readers are not expected to transcend stereotypes and ponder about the true meaning of life and whatnot in fantasy books like this. Girls like, and we want an ultra-hot vampire or werewolf completely smitten with us. And as overused as the formula of the hero is, we still would prefer them over the resident immortal fat pig. (I am not fatist, btw.) It is still a fantasy for us to indulge in, after all!

[Book Review] The Alpha (Vanguards, #2) by Annie Nicholas

And a very good morning to you all~ 

Well, actually it's 11:13pm on my side now but anyway, it is time for a book review today! 
*rubs hands together with glee* 

While cracking my head with what to write for my latest book review, I realized I had a number of (well, let's say, eight?) books rotting in my e-book, so I just grabbed this one to re-read. Besides, since I'd finished A Hunger Like No Other just recently, why not welcome another werewolf-related book?